Monologue: Numb

I am cold...
No, not cold from winter
Not cold from staying outside too long
And not cold from this sub zero wind
Because those, would be feelings

I am cold, empty, dead... inside...

I used to cut myself for relief,
Then that turned into desperation
And now I try to feel anything at all

I went into the shower and turned it up to full heat
I gave myself second degree burns
And yet I feel nothing
Why?

Why can't I feel anything?

The primal feeling of pain,
What is supposed to let you know that you are alive and to get out of a bad situation
Is gone

It's as if my body is already dead
And it's just waiting for my mind to join it
And it's coming closer every. Single. Day....

I used to be afraid of death...
But now I welcome it.

Because in hell,
I'll at least be able to feel regret...

Poem: Ten to zero

I started my life so vibrant and full of life

I had everything I wanted nothing ever bothered me

Then life started to get harder to live

I started to hate what I loved

I don't know how it started

There was no reason but...

Life wasn't worth living

I wasn't myself

No help

Lost
...

Monologue: Living is the Easy Part

Some people say that life is hard. Life is unfair. Life is complicated. My jobs sucks, I have too much homework, I don’t know how I’ll get through the day.

Sound familiar?

Well, what about death? I'll bet you that, is harder, because I’ve been through that.

... I’ve never tried to kill myself... Always wanted to though. Never had the balls. 

Some days I was just too tired to set anything up. Even that, was too much effort.

So I space it out. 

I try to kill myself a little each day. 

I know smoking is unhealthy, maybe I’ll get cancer. I know STD’s are out there, hopefully I'll catch one. You should look both ways before crossing the street, maybe a car will hit me.

Sometimes, it’s not all about putting a gun to your head, or hanging yourself from the middle of a bridge. Sometimes it's just not putting any effort into living. 

That’s just how I’ll live, as a dead man walking. Until one of these things gets me, or I finally man up and do it myself. So if you ever think that your life is hard, I’ll bet you that dying is harder.