My Excuse

Today I heard someone say, stop making excuses, you just weren’t raised properly. Heh, no. I don’t think you understand my problem, in fact, I’m sure you don’t. It’s not about not taking part in activities because I don’t want to, or freaking out at you for touching me, because that’s just the surface. It’s that everything I do, I have to do again, but in the opposite direction. It’s that everything I touch with my right hand, I have to touch with my left hand twice, and then again with my right hand. It’s that I can’t leave any piece of trash, scrap of food, or fallen leaves from trees on the ground, for fear that something bad would happen. But at the same time I can’t touch it because it would contaminate me, and I would be stuck in hell with whatever I chose for hours after that. I got so worn out. Even when I turned to cutting to cope with it, they had to be even, and on both arms, in the pattern, Left. Right. Right. Left. The razor I used, the same exact razor, had to be sterile each time, so I usually burned myself trying to get every last germ off. I was in and out and out and in of therapy, and all I wanted was for my hell to stop. And what’s worse, is that was normal. I thought everyone was like that, everyone needed to be even, and that my inability to cope just showed my weakness. So keep saying that these are just excuses, because I would like to see how you would behave for a single day in my head.

Monologue: Numb

I am cold...
No, not cold from winter
Not cold from staying outside too long
And not cold from this sub zero wind
Because those, would be feelings

I am cold, empty, dead... inside...

I used to cut myself for relief,
Then that turned into desperation
And now I try to feel anything at all

I went into the shower and turned it up to full heat
I gave myself second degree burns
And yet I feel nothing
Why?

Why can't I feel anything?

The primal feeling of pain,
What is supposed to let you know that you are alive and to get out of a bad situation
Is gone

It's as if my body is already dead
And it's just waiting for my mind to join it
And it's coming closer every. Single. Day....

I used to be afraid of death...
But now I welcome it.

Because in hell,
I'll at least be able to feel regret...