My Excuse

Today I heard someone say, stop making excuses, you just weren’t raised properly. Heh, no. I don’t think you understand my problem, in fact, I’m sure you don’t. It’s not about not taking part in activities because I don’t want to, or freaking out at you for touching me, because that’s just the surface. It’s that everything I do, I have to do again, but in the opposite direction. It’s that everything I touch with my right hand, I have to touch with my left hand twice, and then again with my right hand. It’s that I can’t leave any piece of trash, scrap of food, or fallen leaves from trees on the ground, for fear that something bad would happen. But at the same time I can’t touch it because it would contaminate me, and I would be stuck in hell with whatever I chose for hours after that. I got so worn out. Even when I turned to cutting to cope with it, they had to be even, and on both arms, in the pattern, Left. Right. Right. Left. The razor I used, the same exact razor, had to be sterile each time, so I usually burned myself trying to get every last germ off. I was in and out and out and in of therapy, and all I wanted was for my hell to stop. And what’s worse, is that was normal. I thought everyone was like that, everyone needed to be even, and that my inability to cope just showed my weakness. So keep saying that these are just excuses, because I would like to see how you would behave for a single day in my head.

The Goose Egg

Another false negative...
It has to be there. It has to be hiding somewhere inside of me. Something that you're missing, that the tests aren't picking up on! Something that no biopsy, no ultrasound and no MRI is picking up!
Is there a more sensitive test?
...
NO! There is something wrong with me! Maybe the first one was a cyst! But then a second one? On the opposite side of my body! That could mean it's spread and it's already too late! And you're not doing anything about it, because your tests tell you I have nothing to worry about!
It feels like a find a new "cyst" all the time!
And... Maybe the first few were nothing to worry about, but what about this one? A new one? What if that's the one you don't want to check because all of your other tests say I'm just over reacting?

When I switched over to you, I felt reassured. You're supposed to be one of the best in the business, but you're like all the rest.

Do you think I feel relieved by that? Relieved that you don't think anything is wrong? Relieved that you're missing something?

Please, just give me another test. Something better... Or broader...
I just have to find out... Even if it's bad, it's better than living in the uncertain hell I'm in now.

Monologue: Time Heals

Once my appetite has been whetted. I know what I did. I know I’ll face my wife again with the same disgusting, disheveled look about me. Eyes and head hanging low, dragging my feet behind me… walking up to her with a big sigh as I break down and tell her everything. I see once more the hurt in her eyes, as one more heart string is cut. One more wound made. The hurt I cause her is so unbearable to see… I swear off of it once more... she believes me… I believe me

But it, just eats away at me. This... hunger. For an instant, I forget the wound I caused myself before. And as that wound scars over and begins to fade… These, episodes, become longer. I forget my goals, my work, my wife. I can only focus on one thing. The very thing I swore off of forever mere months ago. Now my normal comes in flashes, just long enough to give futile resistance before my lust takes control.

I sink deeper into myself, become more lost in my guilt. I drown myself in the next sin I see, and for an instant I get relief, before sinking deeper again.

I’m stuck in this cycle. Every time, I feel so guilty. Every time I see the hurt in my wife’s eyes, I die a little inside.

Then that’s the last straw. That’s, the end. I am going to straighten up, and be a good man. And she somehow finds it in her heart to forgive me again and again. I feel so good, So free… I’m determined to turn around… Put it behind me... and I do. For a time...

When I finally reach my breaking point, and see the path of destruction left behind me, I see I cut her once more. And I can only pray this won’t be the time she bleeds out.

Monologue: Under Pressure

"You're too thin!
Is that all you're eating?
Put some meat on those bones!
Take a second helping, you need it...."

You're not helping

I know I'm already thin, it's one of my biggest insecurities. Everytime I try to put on a little weight, I can't. Or even if I do, someone points it out, and I feel like I have to lose it.

I am aware, that you watch me eat. I know you try to make sure I "have enough", as if somehow that would keep me from getting an eating disorder?
Well it was that behavior that gave me one!

I was a such a happy kid. Ate whatever I wanted, whatever I could, and I'd never gain a pound.
As I grew up, others noticed, you, especially noticed.
And you watched me carefully, like there was something wrong that I was doing?

That's when I stopped wanting to eat in front of people. Because I know, with every bite I take, they're judging me. They pay attention and it freaks me out! Why can't I just be left in peace? Why can't I take a bite without someone thinking I'm fighting an uphill battle? It's gotten so bad, I can't even eat in front of my boyfriend! Someone I love and trust because I wonder deep down if he's doing what you are.

I mean God damn! Look how fucked up I am! I'm a recluse with food! I have to go and lock myself in my room not to have another panic attack when I take a sip of water! That's not normal!

I just want to be able to sit down with my family at dinner and worry about getting my favorite food instead of worrying about the gasps and attention I'll get.
Because everytime I hear the words "she's eating!", it makes me even more concious of the fact that you're watching, and I'm not normal....

Monologue: False Trust

I trust you... I trust you... I trust you.
I have been echoing these words throughout our relationship.
Three small words. That are supposed to mean so much and yet they mean nothing.
I don't trust you. I mean I thought I did... at first.
I thought you changed, thought you were nothing like how you were in the past.
That you are a different person.
But everytime I leave you alone... I worry. I'm afraid.
Afraid that without me you'll go back to who you were before, and that I am the only thing keeping you from slipping back into darkness... your old shell...
I give myself panick attacks worrying about you!
Thinking, any moment, you would start having those, thoughts again. And maybe this time you wouldn't tell me.
Thinking everytime you don't pick up your phone, you could be gone.
Everytime you say goodbye, you really mean goodbye.
Sometimes, I wait up until four in the morning because I remember,  that time.
Because if you did call me again, and I wasn't there to pick up...
You wouldn't have been the only one who died that day.

I realized, I don't trust you.
I can't
I want to, I really want to, I do...
But... right now...
I think I'm the only one I'll be able to trust.
And, I'm sorry please understand.
I don't think I'm ready to trust you...
Not yet...