Monologue: Time Heals

Once my appetite has been whetted. I know what I did. I know I’ll face my wife again with the same disgusting, disheveled look about me. Eyes and head hanging low, dragging my feet behind me… walking up to her with a big sigh as I break down and tell her everything. I see once more the hurt in her eyes, as one more heart string is cut. One more wound made. The hurt I cause her is so unbearable to see… I swear off of it once more... she believes me… I believe me

But it, just eats away at me. This... hunger. For an instant, I forget the wound I caused myself before. And as that wound scars over and begins to fade… These, episodes, become longer. I forget my goals, my work, my wife. I can only focus on one thing. The very thing I swore off of forever mere months ago. Now my normal comes in flashes, just long enough to give futile resistance before my lust takes control.

I sink deeper into myself, become more lost in my guilt. I drown myself in the next sin I see, and for an instant I get relief, before sinking deeper again.

I’m stuck in this cycle. Every time, I feel so guilty. Every time I see the hurt in my wife’s eyes, I die a little inside.

Then that’s the last straw. That’s, the end. I am going to straighten up, and be a good man. And she somehow finds it in her heart to forgive me again and again. I feel so good, So free… I’m determined to turn around… Put it behind me... and I do. For a time...

When I finally reach my breaking point, and see the path of destruction left behind me, I see I cut her once more. And I can only pray this won’t be the time she bleeds out.

Monologue: False Trust

I trust you... I trust you... I trust you.
I have been echoing these words throughout our relationship.
Three small words. That are supposed to mean so much and yet they mean nothing.
I don't trust you. I mean I thought I did... at first.
I thought you changed, thought you were nothing like how you were in the past.
That you are a different person.
But everytime I leave you alone... I worry. I'm afraid.
Afraid that without me you'll go back to who you were before, and that I am the only thing keeping you from slipping back into darkness... your old shell...
I give myself panick attacks worrying about you!
Thinking, any moment, you would start having those, thoughts again. And maybe this time you wouldn't tell me.
Thinking everytime you don't pick up your phone, you could be gone.
Everytime you say goodbye, you really mean goodbye.
Sometimes, I wait up until four in the morning because I remember,  that time.
Because if you did call me again, and I wasn't there to pick up...
You wouldn't have been the only one who died that day.

I realized, I don't trust you.
I can't
I want to, I really want to, I do...
But... right now...
I think I'm the only one I'll be able to trust.
And, I'm sorry please understand.
I don't think I'm ready to trust you...
Not yet...

Monologue: Dear Darling

My future is maddening.
I tried to push it off. I tried telling myself it was too far away, that what lies ahead is too far off to worry about.
Well that, future, is coming fast and hard and I have no plan for it.
As teenagers, we used to worry that you wanted kids and I didn't.
Remember, how we would laugh it off, remember how foolish it was to have to worry about that?... "Things might change," we would say...
Well that memory is six years gone, and nothing has changed.

You used to tell me that you wanted to live in Boston after college. To "feel" the big city. Feel the history. Go at it alone.
Again, we laughed it off.
"We might not even know each other by then".
Well we do and we're together.
And now you're looking at studio apartments across the country while I'm stuck here in Washington for med school.
Well where does that leave us??...
Years of our relationship?
Lost in distance?
Now what am I supposed to think of your plans to join the military after some time in the damn City on a Hill?
Brush that off as some childhood dream? Laugh it off like all of the other things?
I am done, laughing...
Please
I need answers.
I love you. God, I love you.
You are my best friend... but I'm starting to think that's all you are, a friend.
I don't want to spend another six years to find out my fears are true. That we are incompatible.
I want to know now. Are we growing together, or apart?
When you look at your future, do you see me?
When I dream about my future, and see less and less of you... It scares me.
I used to have you on my mind all the time. You made your home there.
It felt comfortable...
You've since moved out, and now my mind is in disarray and you are only an occasional guest.
As kids, this... we, seemed possible.
But as time winds down, I need to know...
How possible are we?