Once my appetite has been whetted. I know what I did. I know I’ll face my wife again with the same disgusting, disheveled look about me. Eyes and head hanging low, dragging my feet behind me… walking up to her with a big sigh as I break down and tell her everything. I see once more the hurt in her eyes, as one more heart string is cut. One more wound made. The hurt I cause her is so unbearable to see… I swear off of it once more... she believes me… I believe me
But it, just eats away at me. This... hunger. For an instant, I forget the wound I caused myself before. And as that wound scars over and begins to fade… These, episodes, become longer. I forget my goals, my work, my wife. I can only focus on one thing. The very thing I swore off of forever mere months ago. Now my normal comes in flashes, just long enough to give futile resistance before my lust takes control.
I sink deeper into myself, become more lost in my guilt. I drown myself in the next sin I see, and for an instant I get relief, before sinking deeper again.
I’m stuck in this cycle. Every time, I feel so guilty. Every time I see the hurt in my wife’s eyes, I die a little inside.
Then that’s the last straw. That’s, the end. I am going to straighten up, and be a good man. And she somehow finds it in her heart to forgive me again and again. I feel so good, So free… I’m determined to turn around… Put it behind me... and I do. For a time...
When I finally reach my breaking point, and see the path of destruction left behind me, I see I cut her once more. And I can only pray this won’t be the time she bleeds out.
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