Monologue: False Trust

I trust you... I trust you... I trust you.
I have been echoing these words throughout our relationship.
Three small words. That are supposed to mean so much and yet they mean nothing.
I don't trust you. I mean I thought I did... at first.
I thought you changed, thought you were nothing like how you were in the past.
That you are a different person.
But everytime I leave you alone... I worry. I'm afraid.
Afraid that without me you'll go back to who you were before, and that I am the only thing keeping you from slipping back into darkness... your old shell...
I give myself panick attacks worrying about you!
Thinking, any moment, you would start having those, thoughts again. And maybe this time you wouldn't tell me.
Thinking everytime you don't pick up your phone, you could be gone.
Everytime you say goodbye, you really mean goodbye.
Sometimes, I wait up until four in the morning because I remember,  that time.
Because if you did call me again, and I wasn't there to pick up...
You wouldn't have been the only one who died that day.

I realized, I don't trust you.
I can't
I want to, I really want to, I do...
But... right now...
I think I'm the only one I'll be able to trust.
And, I'm sorry please understand.
I don't think I'm ready to trust you...
Not yet...