Monologue: Syndicate

Do you realize the things that go without seeing the light of day? Think about it. Katie Beers was kidnapped and spent seventeen days in a concrete cell under a garage. Let’s get even worse. Modern slavery is a thriving business that generates thirty five billion dollars annually. Think about the punishments for them. How long they must have spent in cramped ships and wagons being transported around the globe, from field workers to sex slaves. The greatest incarceration though is the one we’re doing to ourselves

No, no i know what you might be thinking, this isn’t going to be a drab political treatise about how we are all slaves to an oppressive system and we can’t see the truth. I'm more so talking about what’s happening on the inside. Your insides.
Unless you’re one of the lucky few who have experienced, but unfortunately replaced an evisceration, most of your organs have never experienced light. They don’t know what it’s like to feel the warm inviting sunshine on their precious delicate membranes. They’re trapped in the dark, with no way out, no break. Even those in POW camps get rest occasionally, yet you’re working your heart constantly, and the only respite it’s ever getting is a small blip in between beats.
You cruel son of a bitch.
I would tell you to stop enslaving your own body. To open up your ship and set your slaves free. But, I've done this enough times to realize that nobody does. You’re content being a slave owner. Until I open you up. Then your skin cries tears of joy as it's finally able to release the guilty torment of its brothers it’s trapped inside. Your heart still beats, Erradically. Ecstatically, as it thanks me for my efforts, shows its excitement for its new found freedom. The lungs cheer me on, spasming, telling me to go deeper inside your body. Your blood is the most eager, literally jumping from your constricting arteries to get away from the wound it thinks will heal soon. It’s such a beautiful sight I tell you, and I hope to be able to give my body the same pleasure one day. However, as sickened as I am to say it, it is not my body’s independence day just yet… but I am happy to tell you, it is yours.

The Goose Egg

Another false negative...
It has to be there. It has to be hiding somewhere inside of me. Something that you're missing, that the tests aren't picking up on! Something that no biopsy, no ultrasound and no MRI is picking up!
Is there a more sensitive test?
...
NO! There is something wrong with me! Maybe the first one was a cyst! But then a second one? On the opposite side of my body! That could mean it's spread and it's already too late! And you're not doing anything about it, because your tests tell you I have nothing to worry about!
It feels like a find a new "cyst" all the time!
And... Maybe the first few were nothing to worry about, but what about this one? A new one? What if that's the one you don't want to check because all of your other tests say I'm just over reacting?

When I switched over to you, I felt reassured. You're supposed to be one of the best in the business, but you're like all the rest.

Do you think I feel relieved by that? Relieved that you don't think anything is wrong? Relieved that you're missing something?

Please, just give me another test. Something better... Or broader...
I just have to find out... Even if it's bad, it's better than living in the uncertain hell I'm in now.

Monologue: Under Pressure

"You're too thin!
Is that all you're eating?
Put some meat on those bones!
Take a second helping, you need it...."

You're not helping

I know I'm already thin, it's one of my biggest insecurities. Everytime I try to put on a little weight, I can't. Or even if I do, someone points it out, and I feel like I have to lose it.

I am aware, that you watch me eat. I know you try to make sure I "have enough", as if somehow that would keep me from getting an eating disorder?
Well it was that behavior that gave me one!

I was a such a happy kid. Ate whatever I wanted, whatever I could, and I'd never gain a pound.
As I grew up, others noticed, you, especially noticed.
And you watched me carefully, like there was something wrong that I was doing?

That's when I stopped wanting to eat in front of people. Because I know, with every bite I take, they're judging me. They pay attention and it freaks me out! Why can't I just be left in peace? Why can't I take a bite without someone thinking I'm fighting an uphill battle? It's gotten so bad, I can't even eat in front of my boyfriend! Someone I love and trust because I wonder deep down if he's doing what you are.

I mean God damn! Look how fucked up I am! I'm a recluse with food! I have to go and lock myself in my room not to have another panic attack when I take a sip of water! That's not normal!

I just want to be able to sit down with my family at dinner and worry about getting my favorite food instead of worrying about the gasps and attention I'll get.
Because everytime I hear the words "she's eating!", it makes me even more concious of the fact that you're watching, and I'm not normal....

Monologue: False Trust

I trust you... I trust you... I trust you.
I have been echoing these words throughout our relationship.
Three small words. That are supposed to mean so much and yet they mean nothing.
I don't trust you. I mean I thought I did... at first.
I thought you changed, thought you were nothing like how you were in the past.
That you are a different person.
But everytime I leave you alone... I worry. I'm afraid.
Afraid that without me you'll go back to who you were before, and that I am the only thing keeping you from slipping back into darkness... your old shell...
I give myself panick attacks worrying about you!
Thinking, any moment, you would start having those, thoughts again. And maybe this time you wouldn't tell me.
Thinking everytime you don't pick up your phone, you could be gone.
Everytime you say goodbye, you really mean goodbye.
Sometimes, I wait up until four in the morning because I remember,  that time.
Because if you did call me again, and I wasn't there to pick up...
You wouldn't have been the only one who died that day.

I realized, I don't trust you.
I can't
I want to, I really want to, I do...
But... right now...
I think I'm the only one I'll be able to trust.
And, I'm sorry please understand.
I don't think I'm ready to trust you...
Not yet...