The Goose Egg

Another false negative...
It has to be there. It has to be hiding somewhere inside of me. Something that you're missing, that the tests aren't picking up on! Something that no biopsy, no ultrasound and no MRI is picking up!
Is there a more sensitive test?
...
NO! There is something wrong with me! Maybe the first one was a cyst! But then a second one? On the opposite side of my body! That could mean it's spread and it's already too late! And you're not doing anything about it, because your tests tell you I have nothing to worry about!
It feels like a find a new "cyst" all the time!
And... Maybe the first few were nothing to worry about, but what about this one? A new one? What if that's the one you don't want to check because all of your other tests say I'm just over reacting?

When I switched over to you, I felt reassured. You're supposed to be one of the best in the business, but you're like all the rest.

Do you think I feel relieved by that? Relieved that you don't think anything is wrong? Relieved that you're missing something?

Please, just give me another test. Something better... Or broader...
I just have to find out... Even if it's bad, it's better than living in the uncertain hell I'm in now.

Monologue: Under Pressure

"You're too thin!
Is that all you're eating?
Put some meat on those bones!
Take a second helping, you need it...."

You're not helping

I know I'm already thin, it's one of my biggest insecurities. Everytime I try to put on a little weight, I can't. Or even if I do, someone points it out, and I feel like I have to lose it.

I am aware, that you watch me eat. I know you try to make sure I "have enough", as if somehow that would keep me from getting an eating disorder?
Well it was that behavior that gave me one!

I was a such a happy kid. Ate whatever I wanted, whatever I could, and I'd never gain a pound.
As I grew up, others noticed, you, especially noticed.
And you watched me carefully, like there was something wrong that I was doing?

That's when I stopped wanting to eat in front of people. Because I know, with every bite I take, they're judging me. They pay attention and it freaks me out! Why can't I just be left in peace? Why can't I take a bite without someone thinking I'm fighting an uphill battle? It's gotten so bad, I can't even eat in front of my boyfriend! Someone I love and trust because I wonder deep down if he's doing what you are.

I mean God damn! Look how fucked up I am! I'm a recluse with food! I have to go and lock myself in my room not to have another panic attack when I take a sip of water! That's not normal!

I just want to be able to sit down with my family at dinner and worry about getting my favorite food instead of worrying about the gasps and attention I'll get.
Because everytime I hear the words "she's eating!", it makes me even more concious of the fact that you're watching, and I'm not normal....