The Goose Egg

Another false negative...
It has to be there. It has to be hiding somewhere inside of me. Something that you're missing, that the tests aren't picking up on! Something that no biopsy, no ultrasound and no MRI is picking up!
Is there a more sensitive test?
...
NO! There is something wrong with me! Maybe the first one was a cyst! But then a second one? On the opposite side of my body! That could mean it's spread and it's already too late! And you're not doing anything about it, because your tests tell you I have nothing to worry about!
It feels like a find a new "cyst" all the time!
And... Maybe the first few were nothing to worry about, but what about this one? A new one? What if that's the one you don't want to check because all of your other tests say I'm just over reacting?

When I switched over to you, I felt reassured. You're supposed to be one of the best in the business, but you're like all the rest.

Do you think I feel relieved by that? Relieved that you don't think anything is wrong? Relieved that you're missing something?

Please, just give me another test. Something better... Or broader...
I just have to find out... Even if it's bad, it's better than living in the uncertain hell I'm in now.

Monologue: Time Heals

Once my appetite has been whetted. I know what I did. I know I’ll face my wife again with the same disgusting, disheveled look about me. Eyes and head hanging low, dragging my feet behind me… walking up to her with a big sigh as I break down and tell her everything. I see once more the hurt in her eyes, as one more heart string is cut. One more wound made. The hurt I cause her is so unbearable to see… I swear off of it once more... she believes me… I believe me

But it, just eats away at me. This... hunger. For an instant, I forget the wound I caused myself before. And as that wound scars over and begins to fade… These, episodes, become longer. I forget my goals, my work, my wife. I can only focus on one thing. The very thing I swore off of forever mere months ago. Now my normal comes in flashes, just long enough to give futile resistance before my lust takes control.

I sink deeper into myself, become more lost in my guilt. I drown myself in the next sin I see, and for an instant I get relief, before sinking deeper again.

I’m stuck in this cycle. Every time, I feel so guilty. Every time I see the hurt in my wife’s eyes, I die a little inside.

Then that’s the last straw. That’s, the end. I am going to straighten up, and be a good man. And she somehow finds it in her heart to forgive me again and again. I feel so good, So free… I’m determined to turn around… Put it behind me... and I do. For a time...

When I finally reach my breaking point, and see the path of destruction left behind me, I see I cut her once more. And I can only pray this won’t be the time she bleeds out.